THE NEXT BEST THING

REVIEWED BY CHARITY BISHOP

Our rating: 1 out of 5

Because of: homosexual themes

Rated:

Just because a child is yours doesn't necessarily means you've earned the right to be a parent. Whatever other messages The Next Best Thing promotes, this is the undying bottom line. It's a glimmer of truth in a dark pool of clouded reasoning. Abbie Reynolds (Madonna) is single, pushing thirty-six, and can't seem to stay in a solid relationship. Her last boyfriend (Michael Vartan) doesn't want the pressures of a serious romance, packs up his stuff, and leaves. At the advice of her gay friend Robert (Rupert Everett) Abbie lets him go without begging him to stay. But crushed, feeling the pressure of her biological clock, and desiring a child, she sinks into depression. Robert's good-natured pranks bring her spirits back up but the two get a little tipsy on the 4th of July and wake up next to each other on the couch the following morning.

Robert's reaction sends Abbie back to her apartment in angry tears and she refuses to have anything to do with him... until she figures it out. The vegetarian is craving meat. It's been months since she "felt fat, ugly, and suicidal." The nearest drugstore provides a happy/bad reason. She's pregnant, and Robert is the father. He faints when she tells him. But she wants this baby and offers him the chance to be a part of the child's life, either as an uncle or a father. Not wanting to be considered a "gay uncle" by his own son, Robert agrees to make this work. He'll be a father, but not a husband. They move in together and raise the child in a loving environment slightly different from his peers. But what happens when the love of Abbie's life appears in her Yoga class? Suddenly Robert finds a fatherly jealousy at his perfect family being torn apart, and the resulting fight over child rights will either break a wonderful friendship, or cement together a group of caring people around one very special little boy.

I honestly wasn't expecting a pro-heterosexual ending and so I wasn't disappointed when there wasn't one. What the film concludes is that no matter what your "sexual orientation" is, you can still be a good parent. But the process of reaching that point is frankly disturbing. Abbie and Robert live in the same house, share the same parental responsibilities, and yet are free to pursue other relationships. This sends a mixed message to their confused son, who doesn't understand where dad goes sometimes, and why mom occasionally has other men in her bedroom. It's an interesting premise but holds nothing of Christian standards or even reasonable doubt. Robert seems to be struggling with his sexuality, but doesn't change at the end. He is surrounded by feminine male friends. As he points out to one of them, "If I were a straight man who had suddenly gone gay, you'd be thrilled. Because the situation is reversed, you're weirded out."

The heavy emphasis on homosexuality was definitely a turnoff. Although no sexual activity is ever graphically seen, it's implied. The movie is packed with vulgar jokes, references to sex, and dirty implications. To wreck revenge on her last boyfriend, Abbie sends in Robert to make him look like he's gay in front of his associates. Robert is a gardener for two "queens" (gays are also called "faggots, queers," and other derogatory terms) during the first half of the film; they attend a friend's funeral in which the man's boyfriend bemoans he had no decisions as to the burial, or even how his "partner" was dressed. He shoots the man's mother dirty looks; it's implied their friend died of AIDs. Abbie and her new boyfriend play it nice for awhile for the sake of her son, but then appear in the same bed. (They're yelled at for Robert for setting a bad example.) In a trial scene, Robert is berated for being homosexual and asked embarrassing questions in an attempt to prove he's a lousy father.

As ironic as it may seem, this movie isn't entirely pro-gay, nor is it pro-heterosexual. Even audiences wavering between what side to support will find no moral help here. It's muddied water that is frankly filled with bloodsuckers. There's no value to the script, nothing to make it worthwhile; instead it's a painful, overly-long example of what human failing and sin brings us to. We do empathize with Robert and want him to have fatherly rights despite his orientation, but raising a child in that kind of turbulent environment is never healthy. The Next Best Thing is more about family than agendas, but is nothing to appreciate.